Breakdown
by missy42
Summary: AlexOlivia AO pairing. Set just after the events in Loss: Elliot was determined to at least keep all the pieces of Olivia’s broken heart together in what security his arms could give.


**Author: **missy42  
**Title:** Breakdown  
**Rating:** PG-13 (language, mild adult themes)  
**Show:** Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit  
**Summary:** Elliot watches Olivia mourn her lover for a second time.  
**Pairing:** Olivia/Alex  
**Spoiler:** Loss  
**Feedback:** God, PLEASE!  
**Archive:** None yet, but if you'd like to, just say so. That way, I can tell all my friends "Hey, check it out! Someone posted my fic on their site!" Because I've never been able to do that, and I think it would be cool.  
**Disclaimer:** My disclaimer has gone to Virginia to give the graduation speech at William and Mary, because Jon Stewart's a tough act to follow, but someone's got to do it.  
**Author's Note:** So this is a fic full of firsts for me. My first fic I've posted on LJ. My first SVU fic. And gasp my first slash fic. And femslash, no less! Well, sorta. I didn't intend it to be so long, but the muses were being generous. Has yet to be beta'd, so if there are any misspellings or awkwardness, don't hesitate to point it out. This story takes place directly after the end of Loss. I haven't seen it in a while so I was working from memory and may have gotten some details wrong. Feel free to correct me, if it matters that much. I hope you like it!

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Detective Elliot Stabler decides that it's a good thing that they had taken his car. Olivia's been distant since the shooting, but he's not surprised by that. He knew she blamed herself for what happened. She had been right there. She saw the dark SUV screech around the corner. She should have been paying better attention, realized that the gas-guzzler might have been a threat. She should have been more vigilant. Hell, she should have stepped in front of the bullet herself to protect Alex. What the hell kind of a cop was she if she couldn't protect someone standing right next to her? Or at least that's what Olivia had told him she felt later on. Hell, he was there too, and he felt the same thing.

What made things even worse was that he knew what the Assistant District Attorney meant to his partner. _Former Assistant District Attorney_, he reminded himself. The two women had kept their relationship discreet. He was amazed at how professional they both were at keeping their relationship out side their work. Olivia rarely talked about it, but the few times he had been able to pry information out of her, he could see the look in her eyes, hear the tone in her voice.

He had never heard Alex breathe a word of it, but sometimes, when they were out getting drinks, he saw it in Alex's eyes, too. A quick glance toward his partner, or a split second where the normally cool councilor looked like she was doing all she could to hold herself together in Olivia's presence. He was sure Alex thought no one noticed these small signs of emotion, but he caught it.

He sometimes wondered if anyone else had figured it out. Munch or Fin. After all, they _were_ detectives. But whatever anyone else knew or suspected, in Elliot's mind, there was no denying it. The two were absolutely, completely head over heels in love with each other. So for Olivia to have been standing right next to her during the shooting...he couldn't imagine the pain she was going through. And tonight, Olivia had to say good bye to her lover a second time, with even less power over the situation.

Hiding behind his own amazement and relief that Alex was still alive, he felt that he was intruding on their space as a couple, keeping them from being able so say a proper goodbye. Elliot knew that Alex wouldn't ask Olivia to give up her life too and had requested he be there to deter any rash action on Olivia's part. And even though Elliot knew that wasn't Olivia's style, he was certain she was fantasizing about throwing herself into Alex's arms right there in front of the F.B.I., and insisting she go into witness protection to be with her lover.

Instead, Olivia just gaped, tears gleaming on her eyelids, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. She was barely able to whisper something about attending the funeral, doing her best to hide her breaking heart for a second time.

And then it was over. Alex got back into the car, along with Hammond and whoever else from the F.B.I. that was with them. Olivia just stood there, mouth still agape, tears still threatening to brim over onto her cheeks. He pulled her out of her reverie long enough to guide her back to the car.

During the entire drive back, Elliot could feel something building inside of his partner – a flood of emotions that still looked as though it was quite literally going to begin leaking down her face at any moment. Driving through the city, he noticed the way the many lights they passed seemed to bounce off her, as if her skin had become a hard metal shell that kept everything out of it. He realized that that was exactly what she was doing right now. Shutting out the world and retreating to the deluge of emotions within.

He didn't try to speak to her. He didn't know what to say, because he knew nothing he could say or do would take her pain away, though he wished to whatever God was out there that he could. Besides. She was so far within herself that she wouldn't hear a word he said, whether it was "Olivia, I'm so sorry" or "I'm really a Judy Garland, returned from the dead to play myself in Boy from Oz so I can watch Hugh Jackman shake his sweet ass." He would have laughed at the latter thought if the situation wasn't so serious.

So they spent the ride in silence, Olivia just staring off into a void of nothingness that only she could see while Elliot focused his attention on the road ahead. He periodically glanced her way to see if her state had improved at all, even though he knew it wouldn't. Finally, he pulled up to her block and parked the car. The sudden absence of the sound of the motor running pulled Olivia back to New York City enough for him to believe that she would at least hear what he said.

"I'll walk you in," Elliot stated while unbuckling his seat belt. She didn't look at him, just nodded vaguely as she clumsily went through the motions to remove herself from the vehicle. He guided his partner, now looking to be in a state of shock, up to her apartment where he used the spare keys she had given him for emergencies to open her door to let them in. She stripped her top layers down to a sleeveless undershirt, removed her shoes and knee-highs as if it were automatic, throwing them all to the side without much thought or grace before he led her to the couch.

Just as they were reaching the sofa, whatever levee that had held everything in Olivia burst. Her chin began to tremble, and she dropped to the floor. Tears streamed down her face and her body shook with sobs. He immediately joined her on the floor, sliding the coffee table to the side to give them a little more room. They both ignored a magazine that had been placed precariously on the edge of the table when it hit the floor. Elliot took her in a brotherly embrace, which she returned fervently.

He had never seen her have a break-down like this before. She clung to him as all the feelings that had been building since seeing Alex, since the funeral, since the shooting, since that case all came pouring out of her there in her apartment to be soaked up by Elliot's shirt. It was as though she couldn't let the cold, uncaring city see her when she was weak and vulnerable. But here in her own apartment, the city she protected couldn't see her tears. Here, she was safe.

He knew very well that there was nothing he could do to change what she was going through, but he was determined to at least keep all the pieces of her broken heart together in what security his arms could give. They held each other close for a long time, and it reminded him in some ways how he had held Maureen ages ago when her best friend was killed in a car accident. He had hated seeing his daughter in so much pain, just as he hated seeing Olivia hurting now. He lightly kissed the top of her head.

When the tears and sobs began to lesson, he pulled away enough to be able to look at her face. Looking at her, he could tell she wasn't done just yet, even if she had the tears under control for the moment.

"I'm sorry, Elliot," she began before he interrupted her.

"No. No apologies. There's nothing to apologize for," he assured her.

She dried her cheeks, took a deep breath in and pulled away from him more.

"It's getting late. You should probably go home to your family."

"I'm not going anywhere. Talk to me, 'Liv. C'mon. "

"Elliot –"

"Look. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you want me to leave, then I'll go. But I think that you need to talk, and I'm here. And I'm sure as hell not going to leave you here like this unless that's what you truly want."

She looked him in the eye, her velvety-chocolate orbs both challenging and vulnerable at the same time. She didn't say anything.

"I know you've missed her," he said in a sympathetic whisper to initiate the conversation. She nodded, tears once again beginning to moisten her cheeks.

"I love her so much Elliot. I've never been in love before. I don't know what I'm going to do without her." Deep breath. "We were talking about moving in together... When I heard she was dead...I didn't know where to go from there. I still don't know. It's like when I heard the news, I suddenly hit a brick wall, and now...after tonight... I didn't think I'd ever see her again, Elliot." Sniffle. "I mean, I kept hoping that she'd just turn up, knocking at the door, wearing a beautiful smile, and I'd take her in my arms and she'd tell me that everything was alright. That she was back and we'd be together again. And I could breathe again. But I kept having to convince myself that it wasn't going to happen. I kept telling myself that I needed to just get over her. That she was gone and I've got to move on but... Elliot, how the hell are you supposed to get over the love of your life?"

Elliot just stared, dumbfounded. It wasn't something he had ever really thought about, and certainly not from where Olivia was standing, but if he ever lost Kathy like that...

"I don't know," he replied lamely when he realized she was waiting for an answer.

"I sure as hell don't, either! I mean, I can sit and listen to the most horrific crimes humans are capable of doing to each other and still find a way to sleep at night. But this... Losing the love of my life... I don't even know where to begin recovering from."

"I'm not sure anyone does," he responded somewhat more intelligently, but she continued.

"And then tonight, she actually does turn up alive... but not the way I'd hoped."

"But she's alive, 'Liv. I know it hurts to see her go, but she's alive and she's safe now. That's a start."

"I know, I know she's alive, and I know she's safe. I know I should be happy about that, and I am, Elliot, I'm thrilled that she's alive and going to be kept alive. And my head keeps telling me is telling me that it should be enough. That I should be happy to sacrifice what we had together to keep her alive. But my heart keeps telling me that it's not enough. That I should want more. We've helped people through their most horrific experiences of their lives, we deserve to have something good in our lives. But now we've been denied that. And now I feel like I've lost her a second time. Like she's died all over again! How pathetic is that? She turns up alive, and I feel like she's _really_ dead, now."

"Hey. We'll get the guy who's responsible for this, I promise. Then she can come home."

"We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. Not hope to see each other at some unspecified date in the future. And what if she does get to come back, years from now? What then? We get a second chance? Who knows where we'll be by then! I had my second chance, Elliot. Tonight." She gasped, as if realizing something for the first time. "And I didn't even say goodbye to her! Oh my God, Elliot, how could I have been so stupid! What if she thinks that I've gotten over her already? She just seemed so distant, like the way she was at work, keeping her deepest emotions hidden. Why didn't I break through that? Why didn't I give her one last kiss? I got a second chance, and I didn't...Oh God, Alex! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..."

He pulled her into his embrace again as the tears began forming rivers down her cheeks once more.

"Shhh. You know she loves you. Nothing's going to change that, no matter what happens. Stop beating yourself up about this. This wasn't your fault. And she knows you love her. She was the one who insisted on all the discretion. You were honoring her wishes."

"But few people get a second chance like that, Elliot. I did and I still blew it. And now I don't know when or if I'll ever see her again. I should have just showed her how I felt. What use are all our agreements of discretion if we're never going to see each other again? I should have just ignored them, just this once. I should have told her how much I'd miss her. How much I have missed her. I should have just..." and with that, Olivia once again broke into violent sobs and Elliot squeezed tighter. He began to gently rock her and lightly rub her back in circular motions.

It's funny the thoughts that run through your head at moments like this. Elliot remembered that when he was holding Maureen all those years ago, he had realized how stiff and scratchy her comforter seemed. Now, his mind turned to the carpet on the floor of Olivia's apartment and he tried to remember the name of this particular kind. He had learned several different types from picking out carpet with Kathy, but as it was nearly two decades ago, he failed miserably. Parts of this one were faded where he assumed the light hit during the day and he noticed a slight discoloration where it looked like someone had tried to clean up a stain, but never really got it out.

Then he noticed the magazine that had fallen when he had moved the coffee table. Taking a closer look, he realized that it wasn't a magazine so much as a journal. A law journal. With Alex's name and address on the cover. He shifted his attention to a paper still lying on the table with the headline announcing the slaying of the ADA and a stock photo of the blonde. Even though it was only a few days old, too many creases marked the pages and the edges were white and tattered as if it had been read and re-read too many times.

Elliot had never really thought too much about Alex and Olivia as a couple, perhaps because they had been so good at keeping any signs of affection in private and he had respected that. Here in Olivia's apartment, though, there were certainly signs of the attorney and he was sure there were more that he didn't know about. A tooth brush, perhaps and articles of clothing, or Alex's favourite snack food in the cupboard. Objects and memories that would be taunting reminders of what was now lost scattered everywhere. Even when working, Olivia would be reminded of the fact that Alex was once a part of that world, too. But now, she couldn't expect to see the ADA waltz into the precinct to work on a case with them or invite them out for drinks.

He really didn't want to leave her alone tonight, not when she was going through so much pain. He wondered how exactly he could explain to his wife that he had spent the night at his very attractive partner's apartment and convince her that it was completely innocent. He was sure Kathy already had her suspicions of infidelity. Maybe not suspicions, but paranoid fantasies of it. Even though she had never said so out loud, Elliot knew his wife was jealous that Olivia was the one woman he could talk to about his job, and she did have a valid reason for resenting that.

Perhaps he could just tell Kathy the truth of why he had to stay with Olivia, but dashed that thought almost immediately. Olivia had sworn him to secrecy, and he wasn't about to lose that trust. Besides, Kathy would probably think he had made it up. Tell her he slept in the cots at the precinct? No. He was terrible when it came to lying to his wife. Besides, that would bring up all sorts of issues as to why he felt more comfortable sleeping at work than sharing a bed with his wife. Tell her a very vague truth about Olivia being distraught over her friend being killed? That just sounded lame.

"Alex," Olivia creaked softly, bringing his mind back to the moment. He squeezed Olivia a little tighter.

"Shhhh. It's okay, 'Liv. Just let it out. Let it out."

Taking his advice, she began to wail her lover's name.

"ALEX! ALEX! Please, Alex..." and Olivia once again dissolved into tears, but not before saying the name softly once more. Elliot kissed her cheek and continued his actions of re-assurance. _Fuck,_ he thought to himself. His heart and his head were torn in two between his what his partner needed and what implications it would have on his home. _There's no way out of this one that won't get somebody hurt._

Elliot felt Olivia's body sag a little more into his and her sobs began to quiet, but she didn't pull away from him. With four kids, he knew what that probably meant and checked to see if his suspicions were correct. Sure enough, her eyes were closed. And then, he had a course of action. He waited a while for Olivia's breath to regularize a little more so he could be certain he wouldn't disturb her slumber. When her breaths were deep and rhythmic, he scooped her up, stood carefully, carried her to her bedroom and gently laid her down in her bed. Blistered bare feet met the mattress first. As he gently released her head onto her down pillow, he realized it was the first time since they left the car that he had let go of her.

"Alex!" Olivia said suddenly, startling Elliot from his task. She hadn't made the bed that day, making it easier to pull the covers over her, but he was afraid he had disturbed her slumber. He looked more closely at her and realized that she had drifted out of sleep for a brief moment. Wondering if she was still at that place between sleep and awake, he knelt down beside the bed, head close to hers.

"No, 'Liv, it's me."

"Elliot..."

"Yeah."

"Where's Alex? We need to warn her about the shooter..."

"She's not here. But she's is okay, Olivia. She's safe."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

With his reassurance, she sighed and seemed to fall into a deeper sleep. He lingered for a moment, brushing highlighted hair out of her face. He planted a tender kiss on her forehead then rose to leave. Just as he reached the bedroom door, he heard something from behind him.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah, 'Liv?"

"Thanks."

Fin

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I gave you fic-food. Now please. Feed me back. It's just a little button. It won't hurt, just a little bit the first time. 


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